Headphones

Description

Introducing the official Firestein™ Signature Headphones — the only audio gear bold enough to look like a million bucks while performing like a suspicious $12 kiosk special. Designed with the same fearless confidence Firestein brings to every era of his career, these beauties deliver maximum shine with minimum engineering.

Drivers

• Size: 20 mm drivers in an over‑ear housing 
  • Way too small for the enclosure, guaranteeing thin, papery sound.
• Material: Cheapest possible mylar with no coating 
  • Zero rigidity, maximum distortion.
• Frequency Response: 80 Hz – 12 kHz 
  • No bass, no sparkle, just a sad midrange blob.

Sound Quality

• THD (Total Harmonic Distortion): 15% at normal listening volume 
  • Everything sounds like it’s coming through a wet sock. What is it wet with?
• Channel Imbalance: Left side 3 dB louder than right 
  • Instant headache.
• Soundstage: Nonexistent 
  • Feels like the music is trapped inside a potato chip can.

Build Quality

• Headband: Hollow plastic that creaks when you look at it
• Earcups: Hard plastic with no swivel
• Padding: 2 mm of foam wrapped in vinyl that flakes after a week
• Cable: 1.5 mm thick, unbraided, permanently kinked
• Strain Relief: None 

Connectivity

• Connector: Nickel‑plated 3.5 mm plug
  • Guaranteed scratchy connection.
• Bluetooth Version (if wireless): 2.1 
  • Lag so bad the audio arrives next Tuesday.
• Codec: SBC only, poorly implemented 
  • Compression artifacts for days.

Controls

• Buttons: Three identical buttons with no tactile difference 
  • You’ll never know what you’re pressing.
• Volume Steps: 6 total 
  • Too quiet, but you’ll never have to worry about suckas sneaking up on you!