X (The Worst Letter)

Written by Douglas Firestein

I’ve been scanning my work
Reviewing it to the letter
I used most of them once
But I could have done better

I consider myself a smart man
I can read and write and shit
The Alphabet Committee called
They’re forcing me to do this

I have to use each letter
To avoid Alphabetic fines
I didn’t know that was a thing
But I’ll follow along this time

Capital X is my secret lover
We have a lowercase kid
I had my choice of them all
Every bitch in the alphabet

When my pen hit the page
I scratched one out quick
Wasting all my best ink on
The worst letter in the alphabet

I’ve been talking to lawyers
Cos representation is better
We went over each line
Of the committee’s signed letter

I don’t give in to demands
I’m above all that shit
But when they start talking fines
My checkbook throws a fit

Starting a title with each letter
To avoid bad financial times
It seems like one big racket
But I’ve committed worse crimes

Capital X is my secret lover
We have a lowercase kid
I had my choice of them all
Every bitch in the alphabet

When my pen hit the page
I scratched one out quick
Wasting all my best ink on
The worst letter in the alphabet

You have to be kidding!
I’m missing Q and Z?
I’m not writing songs for those
I’ll just start blank page publishing

Capital X is my secret lover
We have a lowercase kid
I had my choice of them all
Every bitch in the alphabet

When my pen hit the page
I scratched one out quick
Wasting all my best ink on
The worst letter in the alphabet